welcome....

this is a place for me to say the things i shouldn't say out loud or to someone. a place to give voice to the swirling thoughts i have all day, everyday...
so welcome and hold on...

Sunday, July 3, 2016

blue...

yesterday was a bit of a change in perspective... I tend to feel like I'm fairly intelligent and have a decent grasp on reality... yesterday, like a few days recently, I had a bit of a lapse... something like a fugue... I've had them before and I am really only concerned about the times in the last 5 1/2 years... these years have been drug and alcohol free... like in the recent past, this episode came suddenly and surprisingly... 
I looked around and didn't know exactly where I was...I didn't know what was going on around me...I looked for the things I was supposed to be doing... I didn't know where anything was and didn't know why I was looking... I felt lost... like I was a stranger in my head looking out at an unknown scene in an unknown person's life... I had a hard time coming back into my reality...it took almost an hour to feel like I was who I am and I was where I was supposed to be... the worst part of it was that someone was there as well... I don't think they realized how far out of my head I had gotten... I'm sure I looked normal but confused... I sort of just spaced out to some extent... I ended up alone and couldn't find a way to find the ground... I reached out and tried to say I didn't know what was happening but couldn't get a response... it scares me to think that it's something wrong in my mind...that it's something that can happen again...where will I be next time...? who will be with me...? will I hurt someone if I lose myself in the void...? will that person know I'm not really there anymore...? is this the beginning of the end or the end of the beginning..??
my thoughts recently have put me in a place that I realize my time here is getting closer to the end... sooner than I would have liked... especially since I've been sober and able to be present... I don't know where this leaves me but I don't want to lose myself when I'm in a position that someone may get hurt... I don't know what to do...

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