dang

dang

it happened again... yet different...

I've had episodes where I feel like I black out or just lose cognitive faculties for a certain amount of time... not always and not frequently and not always of a long duration...

this time was different... sometimes people, including me, experience some kind of mini dizzy spell after sitting/ crouching and standing up 'too fast'... seeing stars or something of the like...

today I did something like that... crouched down on the sidewalk with my back against the wall... stood up and started with the stars...thought it may happen so was actually ready and kept my back against the wall... this time I felt like I lost control of my legs, my balance, my equilibrium... actually felt like I was spasming or convulsing to some degree... couldn't stand upright but wouldn't fall down...

since this is new to the experiences of my concern of my mental state or my ability to stay aware, to stay present, to stay conscious, I wanted to mark it down... not sure where this is headed but want a little history in case I'm not around to explain any of this at some point... 

as always it scares me that this may happen when I'm in a position of controlling something, like a car, and not be able to react or respond timely... hopefully an individual case and not anything to be really concerned with... hope and pray that this is the case..

blue...

yesterday was a bit of a change in perspective... I tend to feel like I'm fairly intelligent and have a decent grasp on reality... yesterday, like a few days recently, I had a bit of a lapse... something like a fugue... I've had them before and I am really only concerned about the times in the last 5 1/2 years... these years have been drug and alcohol free... like in the recent past, this episode came suddenly and surprisingly... 

I looked around and didn't know exactly where I was...I didn't know what was going on around me...I looked for the things I was supposed to be doing... I didn't know where anything was and didn't know why I was looking... I felt lost... like I was a stranger in my head looking out at an unknown scene in an unknown person's life... I had a hard time coming back into my reality...it took almost an hour to feel like I was who I am and I was where I was supposed to be... the worst part of it was that someone was there as well... I don't think they realized how far out of my head I had gotten... I'm sure I looked normal but confused... I sort of just spaced out to some extent... I ended up alone and couldn't find a way to find the ground... I reached out and tried to say I didn't know what was happening but couldn't get a response... it scares me to think that it's something wrong in my mind...that it's something that can happen again...where will I be next time...? who will be with me...? will I hurt someone if I lose myself in the void...? will that person know I'm not really there anymore...? is this the beginning of the end or the end of the beginning..??

my thoughts recently have put me in a place that I realize my time here is getting closer to the end... sooner than I would have liked... especially since I've been sober and able to be present... I don't know where this leaves me but I don't want to lose myself when I'm in a position that someone may get hurt... I don't know what to do...

congratulations tina mcnamara...!

 

it was great working with senior watch commander tina mcnamara who is running for chief of police for saint paul, mn... excited for a change and fully support tina in this endeavor...! I've known tina for over a decade and look forward to seeing her appointed chief...! chief tina mcnamara has a nice ring to it...!

this is now...

this is the beginning. a start to the story that has brought me to where i am now. i will take you on a journey that has been filled with ups and downs, highs and lows, literally and figuratively. so stay tuned to how it's going and where i've been...